


Let's Get Hunan Married in Vegas

by cinnamonsnaps



Series: Stuck in Vegas: Bonus Features Special Edition DVD [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Comedy, Fluff and Angst, Las Vegas, M/M, Marriage, Morning After, Multi, Partial amnesia, The Author Regrets Nothing, johndave all the way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-21
Updated: 2013-07-12
Packaged: 2017-11-26 09:26:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 20,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/649088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cinnamonsnaps/pseuds/cinnamonsnaps
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You head hurts, your panties chafe and you think you might have done something unbelievably stupid.<br/>Stupid, yet hilarious. This is going to be interesting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. you gotta help me out its all a blur last night

Oh sure, it seemed a good idea at the time. Keywords being at the time, when the time was half a year ago and the location was on the futon watching The Hangover.  
"Shit bro," you said and how you cursed the words now, "shit bro, let's go to Vegas. Like serious."  
John had looked at you bemusedly, saying "haha with what money?"  
"We could do it bro. I earn a pretty sweet amount from my DJing, you're sorted with your lame ass barista job, we could save this shit up and full on go crazy-"  
He punched you on the shoulder. "Yeah right, as if you couldn't stop yourself blowing all your cash on mixing gear."  
Your eyes narrowed. "I could save a metric shit ton more than you."  
He glared back. "Oh it is on."  
"So on," you agreed, allowing the conversation to dissolve into a wrestling match. Per usual.

Then suddenly you were working overtime and people were giving you extra big checks for your gigs and Bro was getting extra revenue from his review work, and before you knew it you'd saved a pile of cash that would make any tyrannical corporate boss proud.  
And suddenly, more people were inviting themselves, and suddenly you'd all pooled money and it became less of a small weekend bro-trip and more like a party for eight where nobody knew what was going on and everybody was utterly stoked.  
Bro helped out with the payments, shoving cash into your hands with an evil gleam in his eye that suggested if you fucked this up, you'd never be able to regain even a smidgen of the low respect he gave you. He even offered to pay for John's fares but was point-blank refused with a "I am a strong, financially independent woman who don't need no charity".  
The same John is - you don't know where the same John is, in fact, you don't know where _you_ are - probably passed out somewhere.  
Probably being awoken by the same goddamn Vegas sun that was physically melting your eyes, which are now opening painfully and being burnt by just sweeping the room -  
oh, there's John.

He looks positively dead lying on your bare stomach, eyes closed like shutters in a low-income area and mouth freely adding to the drool pooling on your chest.  
Ugghh. Wow, way to be attractive John.  
Although if you were completely honest with yourself, John was attractive - in the dorkiest way imaginable. Right now, ignorant to the mutant grey elephant penis of a hangover he would most likely have to face soon, eyebrows laxly curving upwards, black hair tousled and tossed over his eyes...  
A panic twists in as you think, we didn't... did we? fuck i can't remember fuck did we do it fucckkkk  
and then you breathe out as you realise that, while you're currently topless, your pants remain on. And so do his.  
 _fucking miracles_  
"John," you mutter, because as much as it hurts to talk and as happy as he looks asleep you're really kind of gross right now, "c'mon wake up. It's morning you fat nasty trash."  
He doesn't even stir.  
"JOHN GET THE FUCK OFF ME," you yell, grabbing his shoulders and then wincing horribly. Oh god that was not wise to do, hilarious as it was.  
Too fucking _loud._  
John opens one eye and rolls it to you groggily.  
"Mmmphgppfh" he says.  
"Intelligent," you croak, god damn do you need water right fucking now.  
"Mmmphgh?"  
"I have no idea."  
"Mpgho...?" He pauses and takes in your naked torso beneath him. "...... mmnaghghMMN?"  
That was the most panicked and simultaneously half comatose grunt you'd ever heard. "Nah, pretty sure not. Hard to when you're still half dressed."  
"Ughuggh." he mumbles with relief.  
You lie there contemplatively. A shaft of light makes it through a gap in the curtain, dust motes swirling through it via a motion akin to the hordes of tourists you can just hear outside. The traffic below produces an almost whispering noise, like the sound of husky breaths being blown over the top of empty beer bottles, playing an elegy to bad ideas and human foolishness. It's almost beautiful, how crass your situation is. Is this the true heart of irony? You let yourself wonder.  
Or at least, you wonder until your phone explodes with the noise of Satan, effectively ending your contemplative train of thought.  
"Jesus DICKS," you yell, grabbing it and answering the phone before Gangnam Style (oh how hilarious you thought you were, how _fucking ironic and hilarious_ ) can destroy any more of your precious neurons.  
"Hello, Daaaaaaavvvvve" squawks your girlfriend and it hurts mama it hurts.  
"It's like 4 am go away," you moan. Now is not the time for Terezi's apparent inability to use any kind of normal voice volume.  
"You sound like shit. I'm assuming your first night in Vegas went well?"  
"The morning's peachy. I remember jack shit."  
"Always a good sign. You found anyone else yet?"  
"Only Egbert... fuckin' dope was curled up on me like a lost puppy when I woke up."  
"Mmmrpghrpgh."  
"Haha shut up jackass."  
"What... in the same bed?"  
You lean forward a little. "Aw no c'mon Terezi, not like that. We're still fully clothed."  
"That doesn't mean much. But whatever, I trust your hungover self. I guess."  
"Haha love you babe."  
"See you soon coolkid," she says (and you can _hear_ her grinning) and hangs up.  
You roll John off you with a "brb piss" and where are you exactly?  
Looks like a cheap hotel... looks like your cheap hotel. Your drunk self was actually clever enough to get you back here? You mentally applaud him as you walk past discarded beer, empty bottles, playing cards... wait, what-  
You pick up a fancy jacket. It looks like it's part of a marching band outfit.  
Sure enough, when you reach the bathroom, you find a... is that a sousaphone? - in the bathtub.  
Silence settles over the dinghy room, broken only by the noise of John trying to get out of bed and your zip.  
Silence that is as thick and opaque as your mind when you try to remember what happened last night. You remember dancing. A lot of dancing. The green felt of the pool tables, god where did you go after that?  
Silence, like a reminder of something you've forgotten.  
The silence grows yet heavier.  
You look down.  
"John," you call through to where he lies. "Why am I wearing women's underwear."  
"... you made some bad life choices," he slurs back, finally appearing to have woken himself up a bit.  
"Shit bro I'm being serious." You walk back through to the bedroom, pantless but not panty-less. "Look."  
He snorts and covers his eyes. "Dave it's too early for this..."  
"What are they, Victoria's Secret? So fucking lacy."  
"Dave please. I'm gonna.... gonna barf..."  
You roll your eyes. "Right. Just get dressed so I can find some actual underwear."  
You find, thankfully, that your toothbrush remains in its little pot holder, and you try to regain some semblance of hygiene (fat chance).  
John eventually appears at the bathroom door, eyes glued shut and a pained expression on his face.  
"get out need piss" he says.  
"Sure Mr Princess. Do you need me to get you a fresh glass of water and some blended mango?"  
"I will cut you and piss on everything you own" groans John and yeah, you decide hungover John isn't the best person to wind up in a morning. You abscond into the bedroom area.


	2. we need a taxi, cause youre hungover and im broke

Digging into your sylladex you find:  
 **One (1)** casino chip of indeterminable nature  
 **One (1)** mobile phone, with **seventeen percent (17%)** battery life left.  
You did have more before Terezi called you, but calls seem to deplete your battery quicker than texts. You hope you can find your charger soon.  
 **Two (2)** twenty dollar bills, hopelessly crumbled and rather icky looking  
 **One (1)** plain gold ring of an indecipherable purpose.  
Looking at it kind of makes you feel... matrimonial. You'll ask John about it later.  
 **One (1)** small pink card numbered 1025, as well as a symbol that looks like a cassette tape printed onto it.  
 **One (1)** business card for... some kind of stone bust purveyor?  
You look at the card more closely.  
You're pretty sure it's for stone busts. You're [almost certain](http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m2npqhbfqX1qmjkmm.gif).  
A loud groan interrupts your inventory.  
"Oh my god" you hear John say, in a tone that suggests he just found a decomposing cat on his doorstep.  
"Sup?"  
"I... um... oh god. I need. Some new... um." He trails off. "I need a spare pair of underpants. If you have them."  
You pause. "Seriously bro?"  
"Dude no, it's not..." He groans. "It's. It's jizz."  
There's a beat of silence.  
"Oh my god." You begin to laugh, incredulous snorts behind your hand. "You creamed your pants last night. Holy fucking shit that is the funniest thing I ever heard."  
"Shut up you dickwad!" he yells.  
"So you got some kind of action last night... musta found some kind of broad to get your grind on with-"  
"shut up shut up shut up-"  
"It was a broad right?"  
"I will fucking cut you!"  
You take pity on the tormented soul.  
"Look, as luck would have it I have brought just enough underwear to cover your bare ass." You start rummaging around the room, trying to find your luggage. "I'm giving you these brotastic spamprotectors and we can go buy some new underwear later. You have any money?"  
"Nope."  
Found it. You pull a pair of underwear from your bag, awkwardly disposing of an empty vodka bottle.  
"Fantastic. Do you even know where any of your stuff is?"  
Gritting your teeth, you realize you only have one pair in your bag. What the fuck. Did somebody go on a panty raid last night or did you throw them off the balcony? For the greater good of mankind, you decide to give them to John. You guess you can live in panties for a day.  
"If I knew do you think I would be asking you for clothes?"  
"You wear my clothes anyway. Heads up."  
You hook an arm through the doorway and throw the pants in his general vicinity, before closing the bathroom door.  
"Thanks," you manage to hear him mutter. "I'm taking a shower."  
You grunt, deciding that's not a half bad idea, even if the very thought of having to subject yourself to pressured water when you're still very hungover leaves you clutching your head. The violent hiss of the tattered showerhead as John turns it on is enough to make you want to crawl back into bed.  
You do, burrowing under the covers and ignoring the smell of stale beer and morning breath.  
You had a shower yesterday. It's not that urgent.  
Just as you begin to get comfortable your phone goes off again. Swearing, you pick it up quickly answering "Yo."  
"Oh thank god Dave!" a girl squeals and you realize it's Harley. "I'm so glad you picked up! Do you know where the Lucky Charms Motel is?"  
"No fucking idea."  
"Great because I'm stuck here right now and I need a lift. Can you come get me?"  
"Fine, I'll try and find you. If I can find anything else, that is. What the fuck are you doing in a dumbass sounding motel anyway?"  
"Look, you'll... you'll understand when you see me. I mean, it's embarrassing, kind of. Dave just come and get me already!"  
You grin. "One heroic rescue coming up. Shame you picked the most unheroic guy in existence."  
"Help me Davey-Wan Striderobi! You're my only hope!" Her voice crackles. "Oops, gotta go, they're waking up, I'm in Room 22B-"  
The line goes dead. Your battery has fallen to **16.5%**. You sit bolt upright.  
"John! We gotta go get Harley!" you yell.  
He opens the door, wearing a cheapass towelling robe and soaking. "Let me get dressed first."  
"Nope. Gotta run through Vegas half naked at some point. It's a rite of passage."  
"We might have done that already though."  
"... point. Grab a shirt and lets get out of this hell forsaken dump. If you can find one."

The Vegas sun reminds you of home as you step onto the fading tarmac of the hotel's driveway. The noise of the traffic combined with the endless babble of people in general does nothing to help your newly forming migraine.  
"Jesus dicks where did we park the car."  
"Uh."  
A quick sweep around the car park reveals nothing. John checks his wallet.  
He pulls out a ton of casino chips and a business card that sells brass instruments.  
You're pretty sure it's for brass instruments. You [really fucking hope](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m2td51sbPb1qas001o1_500.gif) it's for brass instruments.  
"Nope, still nothing," he says. "Shit."  
"Dude. Where's your car?"  
He flashes you a look that says now is _really not the best fucking time._  
"We've got to find Casey first. We've got to."  
"Your piss coloured car can wait! We gotta rescue Harley!"  
"With what? What are we gonna do Dave, just magically float over to this mysterious place that we don't even know the location of?"  
You shoot him a glare through your shades.  
"I have enough money for a bus."  
"Are there buses in Vegas?"  
"I don't fucking know."  
"Well maybe you fucking should."  
"What the hell, how the fuck am I supposed to know if there are buses in Vegas? That's an asshole thing to expect -"  
The both of you are interrupted by a yell.  
"Hey you!" a man's voice cries, "you kids! I need to talk to you!"  
"Oh _sugarlumps,_ " John mutters and whirls round to face him.  
"You're the idiots who stole all those shopping carts!"  
He's dark skinned and is wearing some kind of ill-fitting cotton suit, with a comedy police tape tie that completely fails to be amusing.  
"Haha, what?" you say. "Stole what?"  
"Shopping carts. Precisely," he says, coming to a stop in front of you, "52 shopping carts to be exact."  
"I think you've got the wrong guys," you shrug. He glares at you both, before reaching into his pocket for- for a gun-?  
"Woah, shit bro we don't want any trouble-"  
He pulls out a set of photographs.  
"See these? These are evidence. _Evidence._ Look." He holds up a picture and yep that's certainly incriminating. It's a CCTV screenshot down some kind of alley, labelled "1 AM". There's you alright, in some kind of... wait is that a dress from Madoka? holy _shit_ \- and John as well, wearing the suit you'd decided on at the beginning of the night.  
You try not to snort with laughter. The alleyway is filled with shopping carts. From end to end, just a sea of metallic wire and plastic handles.  
John flashes you a furtive glance and you can tell he's calculating how much that would have boosted his prankster's gambit.  
"That might not have been us," you say, pokerfaced. "I bet there's load of blonde girls in Vegas."  
John struggles not to giggle.  
"Don't pull that crap," the man says angrily. "I'm the Authoriative Reclamation officer and I deal with dicks like you daily. Do you understand how much it costs the state of Vegas to repair the damage idiots like you do to this place?"  
You shake your head. "Are you fining us?"  
"Damn right I'm fining you. $40,000."  
John stops struggling to laugh and stares at him. " _What?_ "  
"I could also charge you with theft, seeing as you haven't yet returned the carts -"  
"If we brought all the carts back would you reduce the fine?" he says quickly. "Please. We're sorry, we'll look for them and get them straight back to you with a written apology, _and_ we'll pay the reduced fine plus 5% for damages."  
Typical John, wouldn't back down from or apologise for a prank. Unless money was involved.  
The man gives you both a long stare.  
"Legally I would be within my rights to request full payment even upon full return of the missing items. However, I know you're about 10 times less likely to actually pay me the full amount anyway, and I suppose you could argue a case of excessive repayments..." He shakes his head. "If you bring the carts to ths location by 6 pm latest -" he hands you and address for somewhere called Medium Mart - "I'll cut the fine to $6000 dollars and drop the court case, since you're doing my job for me."  
"Deal." John says, and the both of you shake hands.  
"A reminder that if you don't turn up, we have you on CCTV and already know your names and addresses from the hotel."  
With that, the officer gives you both a mutinous look before briskly spinning around and stalking off.  
John lets out a groan. "Great. Where the fuck are we gonna find $6000?"  
"John. I think the bigger problem here is where the fuck did we leave those shopping carts."  
He waves his hand vaguely. "Oh, I know that. I can kind of remember that part, actually." He gives you a tired smile. "Best prank ever."  
You nod. "Well, we've got around 6 hours to get those carts to the shopping mall, and Jade is still waiting for us to rescue her like Rapunzel, but instead of a fairy tale tower it's probably some shit hole the other side of Vegas."  
You spend a few minutes arguing over whether or not to catch the bus, before John lightens up and says, "Call Vriska and ask her to give us a lift!"  
"No."  
And yet somehow you find yourself calling Vriska, using up another **0.5%** of your precious **battery life**. "John you speak to her. I can't. I just can't."  
He takes the phone off you, rolling his eyes. You catch half the conversation.  
"Hey Vriska! Nah it's me John. ... no ... no! Oh my god no. I didn't. If I did, why does everyone think it would be a guy??? I woke up with Dave actually - No! Look shut up for a second I need your help! We need a lift to get Jade. Do you know where the, um, Lucky Charms Motel is? You do? Could you give us a ride? ... haaha yeah I walked into that one. Great. We're outside Skaia hotel. See ya in a bit. Bye."  
You're only a little jealous of how easily John gets on with Vriska. In no way does your bromance feel threatened by how close they often seem to be. Nuh uh.  
"People need to stop assuming things," he says, blushing. "Bros can sleep in the same bed."  
"First rule in the bro book," you nod.  
You pass the time waiting for the spiderbitch corroborating your broship with fist bumps and lame jokes. You can tell John needs it.  
It's like he feels particularly homo right now, you think, and he just needs some biznasty brotime to reassure his girlish sensibilities.  
You're interrupted ten minutes later with a "Heeeeeeeey baaaaaaaabe!" and the sound of a car pulling up. "Get in Mindfang, baby!"  
John waves enthusiastically while you mutter "please stop naming your cars it's making me uncomfortable". You notice Gamzee in the front seat, creepy ass clown douche. Bros in the back seats it is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i won't spam the character tags everytime a new character appears, that would be stupid  
> y'all can work out who they are without my help anyway


	3. i lost my fake id but you lost the motel key

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fight fight fight  
> (yes this fic isn't dead ok)  
> (short chapter because next chapter is looong)

"So what did you motherfuckers all up and do last night then?" Gamzee says jovially and goddamn, you can smell the smoke tumbling off him like it was trapped in his hair, or the folds of his clothes.  
If you get pulled over by the police you are so screwed.  
"Ahaha, actually we can't remember most of it." John admits nervously, and it's obvious that the clown freaks you both out.  
Gamzee and Vriska grin in unison and it's the scariest thing you've ever seen.  
"I mean, I tend to have a bad memory of my drunken shenanigans anyway but this is... even worse than usual? Like, I can barely remember... _anything_..."  
Vriska high-fives the juggalo. "Plan Vriska-Wins-At-Vegas was a success!"  
You lean forward, narrowing your eyes. "You guys had a plan?"  
Gamzee grins and says "Yeahhhhh", rolling out the vowels and letting the word trail off, before sitting in silence. Everyone stares at him a moment.  
Vriska picks up where he left off. "Of cooourse we had a plan! This lame-o trip was going to be a complete FAILURE if we had left it up to you doofuses!" She waggles her eyebrows disconcertingly. "So, we decided to... spice up the beverages a little. Shake things up."  
You and John look at her with mouths agape.  
"You're kidding right," John says. "you _are_ joking, aren't you?"  
"Haha nope," Gamzee chuckles, "we added all sorts of miraculous motherfuckin things to the drinks that you had been poured, when all you motherfuckers weren't in the way of looking."  
"Yeah, we spiked your drinks so sneakily."  
"You _spiked_ our _DRINKS_?"  
"Calm your tits Egbert! There wasn't anything lethal in there -"  
"Oh my god," he turns to you, "oh my god we were drugged, what if the police saw us, what if someone realised, what-"  
"Chill the fuck out bro," the juggalo rumbles, "we made sure you didn't come to no harm. It was only up and sopor slime, nothing heavy."  
"Sopor slime?" you nearly yell, but restrain yourself with a poker face Bro would be proud of. "What the fuck - we didn't agree to this! That shit's - that shit's -"  
"A motherfucking miracle," nods Gamzee, and you just wanna punch his face right now.  
"No wonder we were so fucking out of it, I mean god fucking damn..."  
John looks mind-numbingly shocked, and you can practically hear his pranksters gambit hit negative levels. His face is a mixture between fear and anger and you feel the need to soothe him a little.  
"... at least we know now just how high we have to be, huh," you joke, flashing him a small almost-smile. He snorts for a second and then shakes his head frustratedly.  
"That was irresponsible, Vriska. If we'd been caught, we would have been in so much... I don't know, so much trouble! We came to get wasted and have fun, not get high and have amnesia! You never think before you do anything!"  
"Your trouble is, John, that you never have any fun!!!" she snarks back. "I saved this trip. I made it what it is! Maybe you should thank me!"  
" _Thank_ you? You want me to _thank_ you for non-consensually doping me, losing my stuff and getting in trouble with the local authorities?"  
"You had fun, right? I mean come on when else would you ever have the guts to do what you did, huh?"  
"And what the fuck did I do?" His voice is breaking, on the verge of shouting. "I woke up with no money, jizz in my pants and no clothes. I can't remember 90% of the events leading up to where I am now. It turns out we stole 52 shopping carts and have to return them all or face tens of thousands of dollars as a fine. What! The fuck! Should I be thanking you for?!"  
The car screeches to a halt. "You know what?" Vriska screams. "Get out. Get the fuck out! You're at your stupid love motel. Go pick up Harley and have sex with your husband and never invite me on anything again, you asshole!"  
John goes red and looks like he's about to full on explode, but you take your cue and quickly open the car door, pushing him out.  
"Nope nope nope. C'mon John before this gets any worse -"  
" _Don't fucking push me Dave I can get out by myself -_ "  
As soon as you're out of the door the car screeches off, leaving a trail of dust and the faint smell of weed. Gamzee waves lazily out the window. John sticks his middle finger up at him.  
You stand in silence, staring at the dust settle again.  
As you've often said to your friends, words are your jam. You can maim, wound, humiliate and tease with syllables and vowels and consonent. That said, words may be your weapon but you don't know how to heal or comfort with them with them, and that's probably what John needs most.  
You opt for a "You ok?"  
He snaps "No I am not fucking ok Dave. I think I am the furthest from ok I have ever been."  
You don't take offense, even though your migraine has turned into the mother of all migraines and you're tired and hungry and put-upon, because you know it's just John being unable to deal with a stress-hangover two times combo. You know John when he gets like this. He just needs to bitch it out.  
You turn to him and open your arms in the universal gesture for quality bro hugs.  
"I'm not having sex with you," he says viciously, and you flinch but don't drop your arms.  
His face softens and he brings a hand up to his face. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." His expression crumples from anger to destitution. "She just, she still winds me up, and she still won't acknowledge any kind of responsibility, and I just - I just can't believe at one time she said she was going to change, I believed she'd changed -"  
You aren't waiting any longer. Taking the initiative, you step forward and scoop him into a warm hug. Shit's so unironic you can hear your coolkid alter ego weeping softly somewhere but you don't care.  
"-and now we have to fix what we did and pay money we don't have and find everybody and she just, she takes all your love and turns it into hate-"  
"Shoooooosh," you say calmly, a technique you picked up from Karkat. Asshole he may be, but kid's a genius at calming down angry fuckers like John. "Shoosh, it's ok. Bro, chill. We got this. Shoosh. Don't need to fight with our exes."  
He nods dumbly. "Yeah. Yeah. Ok."  
You both stand in the parking lot, surrounded by other people's shabby cars and the cheap motel stucco, and you wrap your arms around him and let him work his anger out inside his head. Rose could probably do this faster, but you're Dave and you're all he has right now, so she can suck it.  
"C'mon lets get Jade."


	4. spare me those freakin dirty looks now dont blame me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i lied it's another relatively shorty  
> dividing things is hard

Room 22B turns out to be on the other side of the building, an muddy brown door in a row of muddy brown doors facing onto grey pavement slabs and the back of a dusty warehouse. The one thing that marks Room 22B is the figure in a fur suit sat outside it.  
You nervously approach. The figure looks up, dog ears drooping comically over unbrushed black hair.  
"Finally!" Jade squeals, before running up to pull you both into a bear hug. "I've been waiting for nearly half an hour now!"  
"Holy shit what are you wearing," you grin. "Is that... a furry costume?"  
She goes bright red. "Shut up okay? I knew it would be embarrassing!"  
John giggles a little beside you, and you relax knowing he's feeling better.  
"Okay so you know when we went to the casino and I found a group of animal lovers hosting a charity ball last night, you know, like the charity groups who run big events? It was pretty good until someone invited me to an after party."  
"You crashed a charity ball?"  
"Shh, yeah, but that wasn't the weird part. It turns out I'd gate crashed a convention for... " she whispers, "other kin."  
John looks at her. "Aren't they those weird ass people who think they're cartoon characters...?"  
She rolls her eyes. "I'm sure lots of people would approve of how politically correct you're being right now. But anyway, these were the animalkin type or something, I was too scared to say no, and to be honest some of their animal costumes were pretty cute, I mean there was one guy who identifies as a horse and his kigurumi was pretty adorable too. Then I woke up in this suit with some girl drooling on me. And all my stuff is still back at the hotel!"  
"Plus you stink," you add helpfully and she rolls her eyes.  
"Thanks Dave, you big meany face. Did you guys bring Casey?"  
"We don't know where she is," John says, over the top of you muttering " _why the fuck do you guys call his car that i don't get it_ "  
She shrugs. "How did you get here?"  
"We got a lift off. Um. Vriska. But she couldn't give us a lift back."  
"You two fought again," she says, and it isn't a question. "In that case I guess we're kind of stuck -"  
"Excuse me," says a voice, and the door to 22B creaks open to reveal a huge guy.  
A huge guy in a horse onesie.  
"I couldn't help but overhear you needed a lift," he says in a deep, regal voice. It's in complete juxtaposition with his outfit and you find yourself biting the inside of your mouth in order not to burst out laughing. "I would consider it an honour to be of service to Greensnout Pauntress."  
John lets out an involuntary gigglesnort and Jade turns bright red.  
"Thank you so much Horuss! It's kind of an emergency." She turns to you, hissing, "if you even try to take the piss I will shoot you in the foot."  
"Woah slow down there friend," you smirk.  
"I will tell them about..." she leans forwards and whispers in your ear, "Akwete Purrmusk."  
You're pretty sure your face goes white, or whiter than usual. "You wouldn't."  
"I'm sure John would love to know those items you let me order for you. What were they? Oh yeah, half a tub of body paint and a leopard print leotard..?"  
"No you shut up right now oh my god that was once and it was _ironic_ -"  
"What was ironic?" asks John curiously and you purse your lips and give her a helpless glare.  
"Nothing! Horuss, would you be ok with giving my friends a lift as well?"  
"If it is not too distant then of course."  
You breathe an internal sigh of relief. You can never completely escape your furry phase, but you'd sure as hell tried to cover it up.  
"Right, where to?" she asks and a question presents itself in your head. What will you do?  
John gives you a wry smile. "It's 12.30 pm. We're three days drives from home -"  
"- we've got a lift in a stranger's car -" you answer.  
"- we have no cigarettes -"  
"- it's practically midday -"  
"- and you're wearing sunglasses."  
You nod at each other. "Hit it," you say at the same time and he bursts into giggles.  
You're interrupted by your phone ringing. You sigh, the bold strains of Nicki Minaj's sultry tones chanting "you a stupid ho" signifying only one thing. Rose.  
"Sup."  
"Ah, you're awake then," Rose's voice crackles at you.  
"It's a goddamn miracle. Got three hundred non-believers to convert in record time, getting all missionary in far off lands. Heathens who don't know the glory of Dave Strider suddenly being enlightened by my bodacious awakening. Shit, let's be Jesus."  
"If you could not launch into a self absorbed tangent every time I open my mouth, I would appreciate it."  
"If you could not snark like a bitch when I open my mouth, it would be just as miraculous as me being awake this early."  
"Before I lose my wearing patience and ask you to pass me to John, how much do you remember of last night?"  
"A metric fuck ton of nothing with a side of fuck all."  
"... I see."  
"Rose. Rose what was that. What do you see. Rose you're disconcerting me again."  
"You honestly cannot recall anything? The karaoke with Bob Ross? The bridal store? The wedding chapel?"  
"Woah shit wedding chapel?" you blurt out. John gives you a confused look. Obviously he doesn't remember that either. He looks at Jade, who shrugs.  
"Ah... Oh dear. Dave, have you found a mysterious ring upon your person?"  
"Yeah. Yeah, found it in my sylladex like Golem reaching out with his pasty fingers. I don't have to throw it in a volcano or some shit do I?"  
"You may want to later, unfortunately. Ask John if he has a similar one on his person."  
You do, and he fumbles with his sylladex. He pulls out an identical ring, and looks at it, alarmed and puzzled.  
"... yeah he does. Okay Rose I'm a little freaked out now. Did we rob a jewelery store...?"  
A muffled voice sounds from her end and she lets out a throaty chuckle, catalysing a low conversation you can't make out through the connection.  
"Rose. Don't ignore me when you've dropped a bombshell like that. Rose. Rose!"  
She comes back to the phone, slightly breathy.  
"Dave, as priceless as your reaction is going to be, I suddenly find myself rather preoccupied."  
"Oh.. oh god Rose! Ew ew is that a girl oh my god. Rose stop making out with your one night stand and tell me what the fuck is going on."  
She giggles, she fucking giggles. "I'm sure one trip to the, ahem, Golden Sunshine Wedding Chapel may enlighten you somewhat. And if I could request that you don't call me back for a while, I'm sure I would appreciate it."  
"Oh my fucking _god_ -"  
She hangs up. Your phone battery has now depleted to **14.5%**.  
You set your jaw and look Horuss straight in the face.  
"Take me to the Golden Sunshine Wedding Chapel, pronto."

You sit in the back again, letting Horuss and Jade talk themselves hoarse in the front.  
Your bad night's sleep is beginning to catch up on you but you remain straight-backed and poker-faced. Can't let the Strider name down just because you're a little - scratch that, a lot - hungover.  
That is, until John leans against your shoulder with a sad, sleepy look on his face. You're both exhausted. You bring up an arm and wrap it around his shoulders, even though the Vegas sun is already beating down in full force, and allow him one small smile. He gives you a blank look, too lost in his thoughts to respond.  
You wonder if he's still thinking about Vriska, his dream girl who let him down. It had been like a scene straight from Hollywood. Good natured dork gets the hot edgy chick, rated 15+ for moderate swears and sexual allusions, the next best chick flick rom com to grace the big screen - except life didn't work like that, and after you get the girl, what do you do?  
What do you do when the girl leaves you again?  
Your mind turns to Terezi uneasily. She'd been more distant with you lately. Not in a cold manner, just - she'd stopped acting like your loved up girlfriend and started being your best friend again. Which you guess is fine, but you wonder if she really wants to be in a relationship. You're not sure anymore.  
She didn't say I love you in return when she called. It appeared that she'd slipped out the habit.  
At least she wasn't screaming at you like a certain other spiderbitch tended to. Poor John. He'd really thought she'd changed. Apparently not.  
You give his shoulders a light squeeze and he leans into you absentmindedly, and you internally smile because this is what brocuddles are all about, just you and him and the back seat of a car and wow ok that didn't come out right. What you mean is -  
"We're here!" Jade sings out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo can i be really cheeky and ask for feedback/concrit?  
> eg how boring it is/how in character it isn't etc etc and so forth  
> i would hella appreciate it uvu


	5. why are these lights so bright, did we get hitched last night?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> drama drama  
> it's 4 am

The chapel is bright yellow. It is literally bright yellow, with orange windowsills and pink stained glass and wow, are those fibreglass archways?  
"What kind of dumbass gets married here?" John mutters to you and you laugh and say "Ironic ones."  
It's perfect. It's the epitome of all that is cheap and all that is ironic and it's so fucking perfect.  
You wander in the front door, thankfully not interrupting any ceremonies - the big horsey guy decides to stay outside on "principles" and to be honest you're a little grateful. He creeped you out big time.  
The receptionist perks up and smiles when she sees you. "Here for a marriage? Commitment ceremony?" she asks.  
"Uh, kind of," John says, stepping forward. "Actually, we came to inquire if you knew anything about these rings."  
He presents his, and she looks at it blankly. "Honey, we get a lot of rings here. Those aren't one of ours."  
He frowns. "Can I see a list of marriages from last night?"  
She points to the corner. "Guestbook," she says simply.  
You all huddle around the guestbook, leafing through the pages, Jade examining each signature thoroughly. Elevator music plays in the distance, muffled by the numerous bows and bouquets that adorn the walls like icing. It's a perfectly dreadful place. You're fangirling.  
The receptionist keeps giving you strange looks as you spend even more time searching - for what, you don't know.  
John flips the pages urgently, Jade sometimes stopping him to look at a particularly funny guest signature, and you relax a little. Obviously you left a funny message in here to whatever poor chumps got hitched and had the misfortune of receiving you as their honoured guests. Maybe it will give you a few more clues as to the order of events from last night.  
And suddenly, you all find it. It is unmistakable as your own mark.  
There, in a little comment box, is a very crappily doodled Sweet Bro in what appears to be a top hat, with the caption;

thas not how you get mared you fagotot  
we HAD.. . the ceremny  
loev the ebgert-striders

Your signature is scrawled drunkenly beside John's and hahaha. Ahahahaha.  
Shit.  
"Guys...?" Jade says, confused. "Does this mean you crashed someone's wedding...?"  
Your mouth goes dry and John hasn't looked up from the page yet. He's frozen solid.  
"No Jade," you say distantly, "it means we got married. In Vegas."  
John starts shaking.  
"We got gay married." He takes a deep breath. "Dave," he says and his deadpan could defeat yours.  
 _"Well technically gay marriage still isn't legal in Nevada-"_ Jade begins but is cut off.  
"What the FUCK DAVE WHAT THE HELL." John whips his head up to yell at you, angrily and frustratedly and you find yourself cowering. "HOW THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN. WHEN. WHEN THE - I mean how EVEN -"  
The receptionist is staring at you now, hands hovering like she might call the police.  
 _"- technically I guess it's really a commitment ceremony -"_  
"Dude I am as in the fuckin dark about this as you are." You say. He looks like he's going to slap you and you cower even more beneath his fury.  
"I bet you planned this!!" he yells. "Oh wow hilaarriouus prank! Let's get my best friend high and then marry him in a walk in chapel in Vegas! That was the plan all along, wasn't it? To get me married?!"  
 _"- I mean it's not like you're even legally bound or anything, since gay marriage isn't recognised by the state -"_  
You give him an incredulous look. "Dude. _Dude_. I never. I never fucking planned this, what the fuck. This trip was a brotrip. I never, I _never_ planned to deceive you or make you do anything or take advantage of you. Because you know what, I would never do that. I would strife to the death with anybody who tried to force you into anything-"  
"Are you saying _I_ wanted this??" he growls.  
"No! No calm down seriously! I'm not blaming anyone! We have no idea what went on last night, I mean shit's more obscured than the frosted glass on people's bathroom windows, I mean what even is that shit. Point is." You grab his shoulders and attempt to calm him down. "So yeah, sure, we got married -"  
"- but not legally -" Jade says distantly, having wandered to examine the wedding photos that adorn the far wall.  
"- we got married. So what? We can just get it anulled if you don't want this. We'll do it now, ok?"  
He looks at the floor.  
"... I..." he begins.  
"Do you guys need some help?" the receptionist calls across, suspicion hidden under sickly sweetness.  
"Does this place record videos of the ceremony?" you ask her.  
She nods. "We keep them for two days. Why? You wanna check something?"  
She's very suspicious now.  
"We wanna buy it," you say smoothly, and when John looks at you in shock you nudge him. "It could help us piece together what went down last night," you remind him quietly.  
The receptionist's smile brightens up again. "Of course! You still got your video receipt?"  
You realise she means the small pink numbered card in your pocket from earlier. You pull it out, and she presses some keys and toothily smiles at you. "That'll be $125," she says.  
John splutters but Jade quickly comes to your rescue. "Do you accept checks?"  
"Jade don't give her the money -"  
"John I want to see this video! I don't think you understand how much I want to see this!!"  
The woman behind the counter hands her a small DVD case with the chapel logo and a load of generic photos of cakes and bells as the cover decoration.  
"Thank you so much," she simpers. "If you ever feel like getting married yourself, do think of us again."  
As you leave, John mutters to Jade "Why do you have your checkbook and not your purse-?"  
She just looks at you and says "Why is Dave wearing women's underwear?"  
You hitch up your jeans little higher. "I am discovering my true identity and rethinking my life choices. No but seriously, I gave my last clean pair to John."  
"That's sweet," she says. "You're already acting like kawaii non-legal husbandos."  
John hits her shoulder. He doesn't smile.  
Horuss is still waiting outside, looking a little impatient now. Jade gives him a sweet hug for being so patient and his frown melts a little.  
You really really want to see that video. John, from the way he's eyeing that thing like it's the fucking National Treasure, also really wants to see that video.  
What the hell even happened last night?  
He refuses to look at you, instead marching up to the car and saying "C'mon. Let's find somewhere to play this tape. And get this thing anulled right?"  
Jade groans, _"You don't need to get it anulled because it's not_ \- you know what I give up. Sure."  
You think for a second. "Hotels have DVD players right?" You get out your phone. "Rose is in a hotel." 

You send her a text. She takes a minute to reply.  
TG: rose this is a matter of life or death do you have a dvd player in your hotel room  
TT: This is unusually abrupt for you, Dave. I normally have to scroll through miles of red text to get to any kind of point of the conversation.  
TT: So many red miles.  
TG: do you have one or not cmon rose my battery is dying here  
TT: I do. I presume you have visited the Chapel, then?  
TG: you knew  
TG: you fucking  
TG: i know where you are rose and you are in some serious shit and i am seriously about to flip a table just as soon as i get there  
TT: I suppose I had better put some clothes on. See you soon.  
TG: oh my fucking god

Your battery is now at **13.5%**. You turn to Horuss.  
"You ok with giving us one last trip?"  
He looks at Jade, who gives him a big smile.  
"If I can be of service to-"  
You cut him off with your hand.  
"- then get in the car horseboy."


	6. dressed up like elvis, why am i wearing your class ring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's not dead it's not dead i promise  
> also manpain  
> mucho manpain

Your name is Dave and you're in a tiny blue car on a Vegas highway, sitting next to your best-friend-cum-husband (oh my god) with a long haired pony of a man and a longer haired puppy of a girl.  
It's currently 200 degrees celsius outside or something ridiculous, your shades are covered in grimy fingerprints and you also happen to be clutching a DVD that may or may not contain the video of the ceremony in which you got married to -  
 _oh my god you don't know whether to laugh or break down because it's so fucking ridiculous_  
\- and you're pretty certain your girlfriend doesn't love you, and you still have to return the shopping carts, and you still have no idea how you ended up wearing so much women's clothing and how high even were you?  
John no longer leans his head on your shoulder, but looks at you with guarded, distrustful eyes, body pulled up to the car door.  
You honestly don't know how to comfort him without making him uncomfortable. You don't really know how comfortable you are yourself.  
 _Too comfortable._  
It was a childhood crush, and you blazed it with torches long ago. You flamethrowered it out with all those boyfriends and girlfriends, with Sollux and Terezi and every nameless face you woke up to after the stranger's parties in other people's houses.  
He was your weak spot and your strength and you were such good bros, such amazing bros, and ok maybe sometimes your hand lingers on his for a touch too long, and maybe sometimes you let him watch crappy movies with you after Karkat recommended them because he gets all sad and snuggly and clings onto you like a baby koala.  
But you're too old for stupid high school crushes. Things don't work out like the movies, especially when you don't conform to the script. And the script is clear. Get a girl, get a job, get a nuclear family and a normal life. Don't be gay, don't be different.  
Don't fall in love with your best friend at 13. Don't get married to him at 21.  
Your name is Dave and as you've mentioned before you still don't know what the hell happened last night.  
Jade gasps, pulling you from your reverie.  
"There's Kanaya!" she says, pointing to the side of the road. "Slow down!"  
There she is, though you nearly don't recognise her: a thin, straggly girl who is usually so well dressed and elegant. Next to her is a lady in a very unsuitable black dress with long, shiny hair. Together, they hold a pen-markered sign that says "Need Lift - Will Pay In Seamstressing" and look at the road with tired expressions that seem to say "we have seen all of your fucking bullshit. all of it.".  
You pull up.  
"Kanaya! What are you doing here?" Jade yells, but is interrupted by Horuss.  
"Porrim?"  
"Zahhak?" The long haired woman leans forward, revealing more of her strange, swirling tattoos and her piercings. Woah. Kanaya's sister is a fucking badass.  
Horuss looks distastefully at her. "What on earth are you doing?"  
"Thumbing a lift for my little sister here." You see Kanaya grimace uncomfortably. "It seems she woke up a little disorientated after my party last night."  
Kanaya quickly runs over to the car and gestures for you to roll down the window.  
"Please take me away. What with her attire and our road sign we have been getting about a million and two unwanted advances from men - and surprisingly some women - of an unsavoury nature inquiring if 'seamstressing' is, in fact, an euphemism."  
"You sure you want to come?" You look down your glasses at her. "We're about to head to Rose's hotel."  
She frowns, and looks back at her sibling, who's chatting quietly with Horuss.  
Kanaya sighs. "Ah. It appears I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. The only reason I decided to attend her bloody stupid party is because of her introducing that ghetto girl to Rose - and well, you know what happened."  
"Uh, no, we don't." John enters the conversation, a little grumpily. "Can someone please fill me in because I am so fucking sick of being left in the dark."  
She looks at the floor. "I went to the party to... I may as well be honest with you as I'm sure my feelings are no secret between us. I went to the party just after we met Porrim in the bar with a couple of people she knows, in order to avoid confronting Rose and that horribly gangster girl - what was her name, Meenah? - in the throes of drunken courtship. As far as I am aware, just after I left your party with Karkat to hang out with the 'grown ups' (which I feel is rather inaccurate to describe a group that includes a self proclaimed "sensitive artiste" and a social justice blogger) your group went to karaoke."  
John frowns. "Who was in our group at this point?"  
"Hmm... Rose and Meenah, you and Dave, Vriska, Gamzee... some more people probably, I've forgotten who. I admit I was rather drunk at this point."  
"So you took Karkat with you? Why did he leave?"  
"He was feeling rather awkward as well what with you two... making out."  
You both go red and lean back quickly, while Jade turns around in the front seat and makes a scandalised noise. "Woah woah woah who said anything about making out," you splutter, and fuck Striders don't splutter but this is an exception because oh my god.  
Her eyebrows shoot up. "I would have thought you would remember that. We nearly got kicked out of the restaurant." She pauses thoughtfully. "The third one. There were a lot of restaurants."  
Jade squeals. "Oh my god guys that must have happened after I left you at the casino. Holy moly!"  
John shakes his head violently. "There's no way that happened last night. No way."  
"Well it did," Kanaya shrugs, "unless you're attempting some subtle form of sarcasm that has become so subtle it is in fact undetectable. And the fact it happened meant I had a melancholy Karkat on my hands all evening. You know how he is when he gets drunk, emotionally attached to anything that moves. Of course, I suppose I sympathize a little." Kanaya's face turns wistful for a second. "... I assume Rose... went to a hotel with the girl."  
"From what I can gather, yeah," you say, feeling a twang of empathy through the cocktail of confusion and guilt. You made out with John. How is that even possible.  
She stays silent for a moment. You feel the urge to console her, to apologise for your sister being an asshole and forgetting about the girl who's always been there. The thorny brambles of horseshit that are Rose and Kanaya are deep and painful and you know how long it's been going on for.  
John interrupts with a frustrated groan. "This is all very nice and everything but I need to see that DVD! We need to get fucking moving right now!"  
He leans over you and slams open the car door, grabbing Kanaya's shirt and pulling her on top of you.  
"Drive pony boy!" he yells. Horuss looks around with an offended look and says something quiet to Porrim, before starting the car and pulling away.  
Kanaya slides off you into the middle seat, glaring at John. "I _was_ getting in."  
He rolls his eyes. "I don't wanna talk."  
You exchange glances with her. The drive is long and silent.

She answers the door, black lipstick immaculate and blonde hair flying like feathers in a breeze. She's radiant and excessive and sharp. You roll your eyes.  
"When you said get dressed, I thought you were gonna wear more than a dressing gown." you intone.  
Rose giggles. "Do I make you uncomfortable, Dave? How very Freudian."  
Your sister is fucking out of it after getting up to Lord knows what with her nocturnal tryst, wearing very little and swaying somewhat. Yes you're goddamn uncomfortable.  
John gulps beside you. "Are you still drunk?"  
She leans across you and clasps his chin. "Still? No John, this is a different drunkness than that of last night. I'm sure you know the feeling - where one is in a haze," and she floats away and into her room, beckoning you to follow, "but a different haze to the smoky bars and wine red smell of the street. A soft sunset haze, akin to a filter on your beloved Instagram to which you are so very unironically attached to."  
"Oh my god clean showers," Jade yells, bouncing into the room. "I can get out of this onesie at last oh my gosh I'm staying here oh my gosh-"  
She runs into the bathroom and promptly shuts the door.  
Rose shakes her head and giggles as she pushes you and John onto the bed side by side, swaying as if dancing. You make a dissatisfied noise when you see her dressing gown is becoming very loose.  
"Holy shit Rose. Are you fucking high or something?"  
"Me and high have got past the fucking stage and have started going on dates, buying each other bitter coffee in little cafes. High and me are going to move in with each other, get married and have a million disgusting little children, as per our society dictates that we should do-"  
Kanaya shuffles into the room, face a pale brown moon in the suffused light from the curtains.  
" -oh." says Rose.  
"Can we watch the DVD now?" John snaps.  
You nod, taking your eyes off the two girls to fumble with the DVD case and player.  
"Hello Rose."  
"Hello Kanaya."  
"How are you?"  
Rose looks at her steadily.  
"I do believe you're angry Kananayan. Kanaya."  
"I do believe you are mildly out of it. Rose."  
"No I am fine. You are the one who is a little out of it." She tilts her head. "Your face is sad."  
She opens her mouth to retort but snaps it shut again with a click. "... my face isn't sad."  
You pull a long chain earring out of the DVD tray and look at it for a second in disbelief. Rose snatches it and dangles it in the air, entranced by its glitter.  
"You should get a piercening Kang-Kangay. Kangaya. I think it would suit you."  
Her face crumples with disgust. "I would rather not. Piercings are for... different girls than I." she mutters.  
The DVD has no selection screen - cheap piece of shit - and immediately displays a tacky stock animation of some blossom and wedding bells.  
Rose frowns at Kanaya. "Are you jealous of the other girls, or disgusted? You shouldn't be."  
Kanaya looks at the floor. "Shouldn't I? Shouldn't I, when I have been waiting for years - waiting for you to -" She cuts herself off. "- Dave how is the DVD progressing."  
You just point.  
It's a low quality camcorder recording, thankfully not handheld but positioned so the focus is a few centimetres below your heads.  
You appear to be wearing a full on bridal wedding dress and John is wearing a dark green suit. How the fuck did he even find a Ghostbusters themed suit in Las Vegas oh wait you answered your own question.  
"How in the holy wardrobe of Christ do I end up wearing so many dresses..."  
"Shut up a second." John snaps.  
The chapel is decorated gaudily with hundreds of red and blue streamers, and you pick out people in the crowd. Rose, some chick you don't recognise with short hair and long braids in a crop top, Vriska and Gamzee, and a couple other kids whose identities you can only guess at.  
Elvis walks onto the screen. Ok, you were married by Elvis. Fine. You can accept that.  
John whimpers.  
"We are here today to witness the beautiful union of two lifelong partners-"  
Video-John giggles and bounces on his feet.  
"-who are here to commit to each other in life, in death and in illness -"  
Video-Dave smirks and glances at video-John, who reaches across and clasps his - your - hand.  
"- and while the state may not recognise this marriage, friends of John Egbert and David Strider will realise that it runs truer than the mountain streams down Mount Rainier. These two bodacious bros are making the decision to commit to each other for the rest of their lives, and anyone who tries to dispute this ain't nothing but a hounddog."  
There's a shuffle and video-you is ushered forward.  
"Aight John I'll make this quick," you say, and you hope you don't start rapping now, your rhymes are always terrible when you're wasted oh god you've started rapping.  
"Rose gimme a solid beat." She taps her nails against the plastic chair, making a distorted thunking noise on the DVD.  
"John I was surprised when you got down on one knee,  
Romantic shit like that never happens to me,  
And I'd resigned myself to being your bestest bro of all, but dayum if I ain't the happiest bride at the wedding ball,  
Cuz Johnny boy I didn't realise how much I wanted this until you said the three words that caused me such sweet bliss,  
Cuz I have unironically loved you since we were just thirteen and you always brushed it off like a no homo wet dream  
Which makes no sense and is stupid and made me so mad until I saw you in love and I realised I was sad  
Vriska was a bitch" - Video-Vriska herself cries out at this part, but is forcibly sat back down by Gamzee- "and I was always there to give you my shoulder and lay your feelings bare  
And now I am ready to be everything you need, a husband, a partner, a guy to fix you when you bleed  
And your best bro as well cuz I was brought by destiny. To love you, to protect you, and for you to marry me."  
Video-you stops, breathless, and the audience applauds him cheerfully. Video-John and real life John bring their hands to their mouths and gasp at the same time. One is emotional and altogether happy. One sounds like his life is crashing around his ears.  
"Dave!!" video-John yells. He runs to the front, and wow ok that's a kiss, that is extremely unmistakable as a kiss, there is no way anyone could confuse that with, say, getting an eyelash out for a friend. John shifts beside you uncomfortably.  
You desperately don't look at him or the screen.  
"Ok I wanna make a speech," he slurs, and the two of you are so fucking drunk/high how did they even allow this. "Dave, I asked you to marry me because I think we are the broiest bros that ever bro'd. We bro so hard other people get jealous. Our bromance was written across the stars in neon felt tip and that's how good we are together, the perfect team, Starsky and Hutch, Peanut Butter and Jelly, Romeo and Juliet - I love you Dave." Video-John smiles sweetly. "I never wanted to admit I did but I do so much. I couldn't imagine any kind of life without you. There'd be no sun in my sky." Oh god don't start singing that song. He's going to sing the fucking song isn't he. The John beside you kneads his eyes angrily. "There'd be no love in my life, there's be no world left for meee-"  
At this point the braided-hair girl - who you figured was Meenah after Rose flirtatiously put a hand on her thigh _yes you fucking saw that Rose that was in no way shape or form subtle_ \- leaps up and clamps a hand around John's mouth. "Sing a another line and I'll krill you," she says, and lets go, falling back into her seat.  
Video-John gives her a hurt look and massages his face, before dissolving once more into a big smile. "Dave. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I trust you, I need you, I love you. And that's all I wanna say." His smile fades into something easier, something more secure and you hear a choked sob beside you.  
DVD-John rushes forward to DVD-you and the two kiss, slowly, passionately, against the faint rustle of your wedding dress and wooping from the onlookers. A fairy-tale kiss. You can't even remember it and it's driving you all kinds of crazy. John said all that - he said he loved you, he kissed you, he did the soppy puppy eyes thing you rarely see anymore after Vriska, and all the feelings you bottled up for years are opening and spilling and _hurting_ -  
Real life-John's shoulders shake as he hits his head into into his hand, eyes defocused at a spot on the floor.  
Rose seems to sober up a little at this sight and uncurls from where she was perched on the corner of the bed. "Shhh," she says, rubbing small circles onto his back. "Tell me what the matter is. Tell me what's wrong."  
She glares at you and you glare back. No way you're leaving. You wanna talk about this, you want to clarify and comfort John and why should you get out?  
She raises her eyebrows impatiently.  
You glare for a second longer before giving in, whirling around and marching to the door. Kanaya runs after you. You give a little look behind you and want so desperately to stay and hear it. You want to hear rejection directly from John.  
You have no doubts now about whether he regrets it. You have no doubts that he will reject you.  
But Kanaya presses her hand into your back insistently and the two of you spill into the well furnished corridor, startling a cleaner trundling past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the rap is intentionally cringeworthy please don't get me wrong  
> my excuse is reasons  
> oh frick forgot to mention, you can track updates under the hangoverstuck tag on my tumblr the-art-of-ascending whoops okay yes good


	7. information overload situation lost control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shit gets real son

Your back slides down the wallpaper slowly and you crash onto your ass.  
You stare between your legs at the plush, scratchy carpet and idly run a finger along the swirly pattern.  
Kanaya sits demurely beside you, skirt folding neatly beneath her knees.  
"Look at us. To think this kind of rumbunctious activity is supposed to be fun."  
"I'm having a metric shit ton of fun," you intone, "it's like a ten year old's birthday party where they aren't too old for a magician and the dad's gone all houseproud and made the biggest fucking cake you've ever seen, I mean look at that shit."  
"Forgive me for intruding upon your obviously well crafted ramble but you do not in fact appear to be having much fun at all."  
"No shit Sherlock, prime deductions right here."  
She frowns. "I am not particularly enjoying myself either."  
"Yeah well if it's Rose you're still hung up about, then excuse you but Rose sleeps with a different girl every week and it doesn't mean anything-"  
"-did you feel it didn't mean anything when John slept with Vriska?"  
You whip your head up and glare at her. "That was fucking different man, they were dating and shit. She meant something to him."  
"Rose means something to me, Dave. John means something to you." She pauses and tilts her head. "I think you need to tell Terezi you got married to him."  
You turn your gaze back to the floor. "Yeah." you say quietly. "Yeah. I'll tell her now." 

The phone rings for exactly three seconds after you expend **5%** of your battery life dialling her number.  
"Why helloooooo Dave!"  
"... hey Terezi."  
You can hear her pause and reassess the situation. "What's wrong." It's in the flat tone of a statement.  
"Everything's still as fucking peachy as the last time you called," you say quietly, "apart from a couple things coming to light that perhaps aren't the easiest things to explain or stomach-"  
"Spit it out Dave."  
"I got married to John."  
She sighs with something like relief. "I know."  
"Wha- Since when?"  
"Since Rose sent me a video message last night."  
"Video message? What- wait, you mean you knew when you called me this morning?"  
"Yes."  
You readjust the phone and shoot Kanaya an exasperated look, and she has the decency to look awkward and shuffle far down the hall. "Why didn't you tell me, Tez?"  
"I wanted you to find out for yourself. I wanted you to tell me." She sighs again. "I needed a confession."  
"A _confession_? What the... what the hell?"  
"I needed grounds for a break up. It's been failing between us for a while now, like it fails every time for you."  
"What do you mean every time?" You groan a little. "This isn't a fucking court case-!"  
"-open your eyes, Dave. Every relationship you have fails. It's like you don't even want one! How can you look at yourself and allow yourself to pursue a different partner when you're clearly, obviously, painfully in love?" She clacks her teeth. "And not with me. Karkat was right, trying to go out seriously is impossible with you. I should have listened."  
Your hand shakes as you run your shades. "You mean. This morning, being pleased to hear from me. That was all an act."  
Her tone softens. "No. I will always be pleased to hear from you."  
It's not just your hand shaking when you say "I love you."  
She cackles hollowly, and says, "But you love him more."  
You don't, can't reply so she continues. "See if you can't get in touch with Karkat, I'm beginning to worry about him since no one can find him apparently." Something bangs in the background and she swears.  
"Are you ok?" you try to say, but your voice breaks uncomfortably.  
"I just knocked over the sofa, relax. Tell everyone I'll see them when they get back. Bye Dave."  
She hangs up.  
You drop your phone into the carpet.  
This isn't the first break up call you've had, not by a long shot. But you really thought this one was going to stick.  
She broke up with you because you were an idiot who did the stupidest thing you've ever done.  
Kanaya reappears around the corner.  
"Is everything alright?" she carefully asks.  
You jumps up, grabbing your phone and giving her one of your most casual nods.  
"Everything's finer than icing sugar, sweeter than a cherry pie," you say, and it's easier to fall back into the swing of talking nothing when you have nothing to say, "shit's so good I could sell it for a premium somewhere like Uruguay where good things don't come often - I mean, I've never been to Uruguay but just listen to the way it sounds, bet you any money they haven't seen a hot fresh pile of good for years-"  
She looks at you confused, before rolling her eyes.  
"I'm not sure who you're talking to when you go off on your rambling soliliquys; I certainly don't list-"  
She's interrupted by Rose's door opening, and the sight of John coming through, smiling sheepishly, has your heart in your throat.  
"Hey guys," he says, "I think we're pretty much sorted out."  
Rose appears as well, looking a lot more sober but smiling gently.  
"Kanaya, may I speak with you for a moment?" she says quietly. "A few things that weren't apparent to me before have come to light recently."  
"By recently she means just now," John interrupts. "And yeah, I gotta talk to you too Dave."  
He looks at you with a mixture of determination and something else, fear or possibly sadness and _great_.  
This is gonna be your second rejection in at least 45 seconds. That's got to be a new record.  
He looks at the floor for a moment, as Rose and Kanaya wander down the corridor and turn out of view.  
You look at him, not wanting this to begin.  
He keeps looking at the floor.  
You cough.  
"Egbert you know we're on a time limit, right?"  
He grimaces. "Sorry. But I've been rehearsing this for at least a month in my head and I never expected to say it out loud!"  
He's been waiting to shoot you down for a month?!  
You're about to say something when your phone rings from your pocket loudly. It's an unknown number.  
You've had more fucking phone calls in the past hour than you usually get in a week.  
"Answer that first," he says and you shoot him a look before once again answering your damn phone.

"Oh thank god" someone says on the other end and you struggle to recognise it. "Holy shit I never thought I'd be glad to hear you pick up, Strider-"  
"Karkat?"  
"Yes you asshole it's me, now shut up I need your help-"  
"-woah wait a second, don't get your panties in a twist over a fair country girl like me-"  
"-will you SHUT UP FOR A SECOND FOR CHRIST SAKES!" He sounds desperate. You shut up. "Ok, close your fucking mouth and just listen for a solid minute or so because I don't know how long I've got. Don't interrupt and don't ask questions." He breathes out anxiously and you hear it rattle down the line. "I'm with some guys. I don't know, they're a group of old style gangsters or something, I'm not going to try to clarify - my point is these guys are keeping me here. Against my will. At gunpoint. I'm technically a hostage."  
"Technically?"  
"They're being pretty fucking decent with me, ok? Just, get your ass over here with the sousaphone and everything will be alright."  
"... sousaphone?"  
"Yes, you numbwanking asstaint, the goddamn sousaphone! The shitty brass assplug you bloody took with you in between trying to devour Egbert's face!"  
Someone barks something in the background and his breath hitches, before he runs off a string of sentences at them. "They've got it they've got it for fucks sake don't kill me please they have the instrument safe-"  
You look at John in alarm.  
"-please Strider," he continues, mouth hissing close to his end of the line as if he's trying to cover up what he's saying, "tell me you still have the sousaphone because I'm not in any kind of mood to die right now, whether from sudden explosive collision with a bullet or sudden violent collision with a crowbar- fuck-!"  
The line thuds and crackles as someone else's voice roughly elbows itself into the call.  
"You better come quickly otherwise your friend here might end up somewhat more dead, you know what I'm saying?" Someone else says something you can't hear. "Fuck you, that threat was oozing subtlety and menace. You wanna fuckin' take my role, Deuce? Yeah, didn't think so. Bag of shit. Anyway, the old Seventh Gate Casino, hire a cab, get a bus, I don't give a crackwhore's credit card. Get here with the sousaphone before someone knocks McShouty here a new mouth. In his forehead."  
You just nod, idiotically, as he can't see you.  
"Implying we're gonna shoot him. In the forehead."  
You finally gather enough wits to clear your throat and say "Right, ok, no problem - we'll be right over quick as shit -"  
"Yeah you better be. You've got an hour tops, kid."  
The line goes dead.  
You numbly put your phone in your pocket and stare at John.  
"What? What is it?" he says, anxiously bouncing on the soles of his feet.  
"Quick, in the bathtub of our hotel. Was there or was there not some kind of brass instrument in there?"  
He rolls his eyes. "Ugh, yeah, I had to move it to make room for me to shower -"  
"Fuck, where did you move it to?"  
"I dunno, the floor, why?"  
"I'll explain on the way, just- dammit, do you think it'll still be there?"  
"Probably! Dave I don't-"  
Jade wanders out with her hair wet and a fresh towel on, smiling complacently only to be knocked over as you run into Rose's room.  
"Dave!"  
You root through the hotel recommended numbers list on the bedside table and quickly order a taxi, Rose and Kanaya reappearing in the doorway. You grab a handful of change off her bedside table, promising to yourself to pay her back soon.  
"Dave?"  
You hang up the corded phone and run past them, racing down the corridor. You hear John's footsteps pounding behind you but you don't turn around, secure in the knowledge he's following you blindly, and it's almost a relief to know he would still follow you blindly, even now.

You're on around **8%** battery life and you're beginning to panic as you jump into the cab, waiting for John to throw himself onto the seat beside you.  
"Dude, where the fuck are we going?" he says exasperatedly, and you answer him by yelling at the cab driver to go first to your hotel, and then "the old Seventh Gate Casino, quickly".  
"That old dump?" he says conversationally, pulling onto the road. "Why would you wanna be heading to a run down joint like that? I know a sweep of great casinos for tourists just like yourselves, all the way from-"  
You tune him out and finally turn to face John, keeping yourself expressionless.  
"Karkat's being held hostage by a group of gangsters who are going to kill him if we don't bring them the sousaphone we found last night." He opens his mouth to yell but you cover it with your hand and lean in close to whisper "I need you not to freak out because then I'll freak out and then we'll be in deep shit, single tickets to 'nam with no return and the words 'I Love America' tattooed on our foreheads so you better put a cap on it for me, you hear me?"  
He spits out your hand indignantly. "I wasn't going to freak out."  
"You looked like you were."  
"Shut up Dave, you look way more freaked out than I do."  
You're about to answer him back when you realise the cab driver is still talking.  
"-I mean the service can be pretty terrible I hear, but they do a great deal for couples-"  
"-we aren't a couple-" you begin, before being cut off by John nudging you. "Dave," he says, motioning to the ring which has somehow ended up back on his finger, "we kind of are."  
You're way too worried about Karkat to be distracted by this piece of information oh who are you kidding you're blushing. Fuck.  
"Eh, newly weds, huh? Yeah, a lot of couples get legally married or civil unioned or whatever in other states and then come here for a commitment ceremony, especially around May for some reason-"  
You tune him out again.  
"I know this is really complicated right now but let's save it until after we make sure Karkat isn't shot." You're just putting off rejection as long as possible, if you're being brutally honest.  
He looks at you a second and does a combination of shrugging and nodding, which looks ridiculous, especially when he's jerked forward by the cab coming to a halt.  
"Alright I'll wait out here for you kids-" the taxi driver begins, but you're too busy flashstepping out and towards your hotel to answer him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> godammit i didn't mean to post this


	8. you wanna cash out and get the hell out of town

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we draw near to the denouement  
> sad times for everyone involved

The bathroom door thuds as you throw it open, and you look around frantically at the gleaming surfaces.  
"Shit, they cleaned up!"  
You search in the bath, in the shower, under the sink and behind the window blinds but fuck it's gone fuck no where is it you _need it -_  
"I think it's out here!" John yells, and there it is, a shining beacon of twisted metal on your bed, taunting you with its godforsaken mouthpiece twisted into a mockery of Chekov's smug grin. You grab it, and it's really fucking heavy.  
You notice as well that the green felt marching jacket has been artfully discarded near the laundry basket, and give it to John to captchalogue in case they want that too.  
"Nngh, let's go," you say, gritting your teeth and lifting the sousaphone, and John holds all the doors open for you on the way down.

The car ride is possibly the longest one you've ever been on. You keep a sharp eye on your phone's clock, even though you've been keeping track of how much time you've lost so far in your head.  
The heavy sousaphone makes a weird muted rattling sound on your knees whenever you go over bumps, because you wouldn't put it in the boot - too much risk.  
John is jammed against his window. He's glaring at you.  
You remain impassive behind your shades, because you aren't panicking. You swear.  
The cab slides into darker and dingier parts of Vegas, the bits they probably don't show in the adverts. The driver looks about with concern.   
"You sure you wanna get out here?"  
Not realising he had stopped, you open the door cautiously. In front of you is a stubby black building, jammed between a bashed up warehouse of indecipherable nature, and a convenience store that looks like it would rather inconvenience you, somewhat violently and in a dark alley for your wallet.  
The middle building is signposted as "Seventh Gate" in loopy white writing.  
"Nope," mutters John, as your phone rings.  
You answer, again Karkat's number.  
"Is that you outside in the cab?"  
"Yes."  
"Tell your cabby to take a hike for forty."  
You put it more politely, giving him what you owe him so far, and he drives off, leaving you and John alone on the road.  
"Who's the twink and why the fuck is he here."  
Shit. "We needed two people to carry the sousaphone."  
"Fucking pansy ass dickwads... Do I need to stab him or will he accept the offer to not rat us out, in return for living?"  
"The second one."  
"I'm sending out Deuce. Follow him, you little shits." _Click._  
You're both going to die.  
"Hey Dave," John whispers, and points down a nearby side alley, "isn't that my car?"  
You look at Casey with surprise. "Um, yeah... the fuck?"  
"That's my fucking car!" he hisses. "They stole my car! Oh my god-"  
"Shut up there's someone coming."  
A short man in a fedora pulled so low it makes his ears stick out appears from a side door and flicks a switchblade at you.  
"no fucking finesse" you whisper to yourself, before John and you follow him inside wordlessly.

It stinks. Cigarettes, whisky, stale beer. There are ornate traces left from when it used to be classier, from the battered black piano you glimpse in one room to the dark oak paneling on the walls, with a matching smashed grandfather clock that appears to be vandalised. Now, you're navigating discarded softcore magazines and sweet wrappers for "Scottie Dogs".  
Finally, a heavy looking black door, with several bullet holes splintering through it. The short man knocks with a scarred hand.  
"Get the fuck in," the voice from the telephone growls and you're pretty sure John just jumped.  
The door opens. Karkat is tied to a chair, and a man the size of a bull if a bull took steroids aims a machine gun at you.  
A thin guy is leaned against the only other door out of the room, classily smoking a cigarette. He doesn't bother to look up.  
You notice all of this before you realise a knife is being held to your throat.  
"Did you think you were being goddamn funny, stealing from our dump like that?" the voice you recognise from the telephone croaks, and holy shit you're going to die at the hands of a one eyed mobster. You're torn between feeling awesome and feeling fucking terrified.  
A quick eye swivel tells you John is being aimed at with the machine gun. Shit.  
"Before you say we are stealing your dump, let me explain you a thing -" you garble out.   
The knife presses deeper. John lets out a gasp. "We were completely wasted we have your sousaphone we didnt know we were stealing it take it take it back-" he picks up where you left off.  
Karkat looks at you both before slumping in his chair saying "I'm doomed. I'm completely fucking dead."  
The machine gun clicks. All three of you go silent.  
"Shut yer fuckin' mouths," the big guys says in a booming voice, "and give me one reason I ain't gotta shoot you right the fuck now."  
You open your mouth but a panicking John beats you to it. "But we just got married!" he blurts out.  
If you could facepalm without lacerating your throat, you would.   
"We being who, exactly?" the classy man against the other door snaps.  
"Uhh... me and him," he says, nodding at you and holding out his ringed finger. "See?"  
John you've doomed us, they're going to shoot us and call us fags and spit on our graves -  
The big guy narrows his eyes. "You two in love?"  
John shoots you a look before nodding frantically. So this is what it takes to see your lifelong dreams realised. The wrong end of a machine gun.  
You nod less hysterically.  
He lowers the gun slowly, shaking his head. "Can't do it boss, can't kill a newly wed."  
"You fucking sap," the guy holding a knife to your throat groans, "you know how much trouble these cocksuckers have caused us?"  
The machine gun is raised slightly, towards you. "What," the big guys breathes out, "did you just call-"  
"Fucking calm down Boxcars, you know I didn't mean it none."  
The short guy's eyes flicker nervously between the two mobsters and the classy guy interrupts with a "Boxcars, Spades, please. We're in the middle of business here."  
Classy dude walks towards you, picks up the sousaphone from where you dropped it and lays it on a low table.   
He hands a hammer to Boxcars, and stands back.  
A very loud five minutes later, you're left considerably more deaf and somewhat jumpy, and the sousaphone is battered open, revealing hundreds upon thousands of tiny bags filled with... some kind of white powder.  
"Do you fuckers know what this is?" Spades barks.  
You recognise it as sopor, the shit Gamzee's always on, the stuff Vriska spiked your drink with, and curse it for getting you into all this fucking trouble.  
"Dried, decolourised, the finest granular sopor this side of Jersey. Do you know how much this fucking piece of trash is worth?"  
He leans forwards, and his breath smells like Scotty Dogs.  
"$35,000. Thirty five triple zero smackeroos. You fucking cheat. You goddamn assbackwards fingerfucker don't tell me you didn't try to steal this!"  
"We found it," John says anxiously, "we were drunk and we found a load of abandoned instruments, I don't think Dave remembers but it was like a load of abandoned stuff -"  
"You dickwipes!" Karkat explodes. "I told you not to mess with the marching band but you did! You fucking-"  
Spades groans. "Can it shouty, you haven't shut up since we found you in that fucking car."  
John perks up. "What, Casey?"  
"Yes John, your miserable fuelguzzling yellow clowncar is the cause of this whole fucking mess!" Karkat yells.   
"We found your friend here passed out in the boot of that rustbox," the classy guy explains, "after we parked here when our heist went tits up."  
"I crawled in there to sleep," Karkat mutters. "Didn't expect to be woken by a quartet of mobsters."  
The classy guy continues. "Do you know what you interrupted? The most intricately planned heist of the twenty first century. This was going to be the next Great Train Robbery, right under the noses of the Vegas officials; a delicately arranged diplomatic trade between the two biggest gangs on the Strip."  
"The fucking Felt," Spades spits, "shortchanged us anyway, low down shit heads. $40,000 dollars short, damn sons of bitches."  
"Each brass instrument was filled with bags of sopor. It was the perfect disguise, right in plain sight." He shook his head. "Until you three just waltzed in and took a share."  
You raise your arms placatingly, trying to look much less nervous than you actually are. "Yo, you got your drugs back, everythings fixed, nobody's missing nothing. We're sorry we took your stuff, but can we please have our friend back?"  
All four men look at each other.  
"No," says Slick gruffly, and grabs you and John by the arms.   
"What?" John squeaks, but one short shuffle later, you, him and Karkat are flung into a side door, which closes and locks.   
"You'll pay us back that sopor money for our trouble," someone yells, "or else you're stuck right fucking here."

Great, now you're prisoners.  
"... John?" a small voice rings out.  
You let your eyes adjust to the darkness, pushing your shades back up your nose as Karkat pulls himself off the floor. John glances behind you.   
"Vriska?" he says.  
Vriska emerges from a dark corner, and you trace the outline of the juggalo in the corner as she approaches John.  
They say at the same time, "What are you two doing here?"   
She laughs a little, and pulls him into a hug.   
He hugs her back and you and Karkat swap glances.  
"Okay, yeah, it wasn't the most thought through plan of mine to spike your drinks with borrowed sopor. I guess we're kind of paying for it now though." She sighs and lets him go. " _Apparently_ , Mr Dumb Ass Clown Douche over here has been putting out sopor loans with the Midnight Crew for years. They picked us up a couple streets over, in your crappy car for some reason. I don't know why, but we didn't have much choice about it." She shrugs and looks around idly. "Now we have to pay them $40,000 to get free or start working for them, or be trapped here for the rest of our lives."  
"That's idiotic!" Karkat yells, and she shrugs.   
"Whatever. It was bound to happen at some point."  
John touches her arm as a comforting gesture, and she shivers.  
"Hang on," he says and it's almost tender, "I have a jacket I can lend you."  
He rummages through his sylladex and pulls out **one (1)** green felt marching jacket, pulling it around her shoulders.  
You are extremely not jealous right now. That would be immature.  
John and Vriska are extremely close friends but you know that John regards all his friends as just as dear and beloved to him and oh fuck you're so jealous.  
"Please tell us what happened last night," you say, interrupting with a very tired, very hungover voice.

"I'll start with what I know," Karkat says. "The way I see it, you two were acting most normal just before we went to the casino. Then the drink started kicking in. John tried to dance with some employees and you got into a weird betting deal with Vriska and Gamzee..."  
Vriska whips round to look at you, with an expression that you really do not like. "I remember now. Say, Daaaaaaaave..."  
"What?"  
"When you woke up... did you find any money anywhere?"  
"I was fucking broke as shit when I woke up," you confess. "Forty dollars tops."  
"Oh really? Forty dollars?" She glances at the shadowy spot where Gamzee is - sleeping or something, you don't know - and grins. "Because when you left that casino last night you had twenty thousand."  
You, Karkat and John say "What." at the same time. The effect is somewhat hilarious.  
She rolls her eyes like you're the ones who are missing the big picture. "Jeez, I'd known we'd drugged you but do you really not remember?" She smiled like a fox who'd just discovered the chicken egg bingo. "We cheated the system, boys. We cheated them out of $80,000 American dollars."   
"How the fuck?" Karkat looks almost speechless, for once. "Where the fuck is this money?"  
"It was split evenly between me, Gamzee, Dave here, and... a certain hacker friend back home."  
"Sollux?" John says. "How'd he get into this?"  
"Well... we had to persuade him using a little... Strider technique." She points at you. "Dave here managed to convince him by pulling back on a certain offer he'd made a while ago."  
Shit. You know exactly the deal she's talking about. You were young and you needed the money, and while pissing on lispy Korean boys isn't exactly your idea of a good time, you had bills to pay. It was easy cash.  
"Dave...?" John looks at you confused.  
"Sollux owes me one. Owed," you correct yourself.   
"Right!" Vriska laughs. "So, we managed to convince him to tell us the Technique. It was actually kind of hilarious how Dave thought he was being subtle, you know, when he was extremely _pissed_."  
She knew, didn't she? Fuck her.  
"Anyway! The plan worked perfectly. Gamzee betted a ton of rogue wads to distract them, while Dave drunkenly tried to keep a pokerface. You buffoons were perfect as a distraction... The table didn't know what hit them."  
You remember, very very vaguely, a busy poker table, with tonnes of faces around it. Did you try to be charismatic? You think you did. You suddenly receive a stark impression of you trying to teach a rotund lady with a dachshund how to properly arrange a card table.  
"So, while tweedledum and tweedledee worked their magic, Sollux was passing the casino firewalls." She leant back, and winked conspiratorially. "I'm not gonna reveal the method in case we do it again, but safe to say we ended up leaving there with bags and bags full of hundred dollar notes."  
John raises an eyebrow, giving her a confused look. "I'm not sure I believe that's true."  
"Look in your sylladex or something! If Dave can't find it, maybe he gave it to you!" She frowns at him. "Why would I lie to you, John? I said I was past that!"  
He does a double take. "Wait what? You spiked our drinks and didn't tell us!"   
"What, this again? Look at me rolling my eyes John. Rooolling them so hard."  
Oh crap, it's the Serket Egbert grand fight time again. You quickly step between them.  
"Guys what the hell, can you not argue for like one second."   
"Right. John, check in your sylladex anyway," Karkat says, joining you in your makeshift human barrier.  
He grumbles, before pulling a concentrated expression and rummaging around in it.  
"Uh... I have a bag..." He decaptchalogues it. You recognise it as the spare luggage napsack you brought for the plane journey, used to carry your food and magazines. He opens the bag.  
It is definitely not filled with food and magazines.  
"Holy..." Your jaw nearly hits the floor. There are hundreds upon hundreds of hundred note bundles in there.  
Everyone gathers round it, shaking their heads.  
"I guess that explains how we afforded the wedding," John says, and Karkat does a double take.  
"Wedding?"  
"Oh, yeah, me and Dave got married last night kind of but not legally," he says quickly, waving his hand. "The point is, is there enough here to get us out?"  
"Use your brain lugnuts," Vriska says. "Me, Dave, Sollux and Gamzee split eighty thousand four ways. The maximum that's in there can only be Dave's share of twenty thousand."  
"Minus the couple of hundred or whatever the ceremony was," you add.  
"I'm sorry, but can we just talk about how Dave and John _got married_ -"  
"I guess we're kind of stuck then." Vriska says, ignoring Karkat.   
"No, we're not," John frowns at her. "What about your's and Gamzee's twenty thousands?"  
She blinks at him, and scowls back. "But that's my money! Go bother the clown!"  
The group turn to look at the aforementioned clown, hidden in the dark shadows of the corner. There's a faint "honk".  
"Haha nope," you say.   
Karkat sighs beside you, and holds up a hand. "Motherfuckers please," he says, straightening his shoulders. "Let me handle this. You can all go do whatever the fuck you want in a corner somewhere while I deal with this, alright."   
You watch as he confidently strides to the corner, muttering angrily "I'm not fucking waiting to be rescued any longer because guess what, everyone here is an incompetent fucker and apparently married to each other but I don't know _anything_ -"

You're not really sure what happens in that corner. There's a faint honking, the sound of hands papping cheeks and endless patience, and you sit there with Vriska and John and try not to look embarrassed.   
Vriska gives you a scrutinising look.  
"So." She says briskly, mouth chopping out the holophrastic sentence. "You're his husband now."  
"Vriska, relax seriously-" John begins, but she shoves a hand into his face.  
"You love this kid?" She asks it simply, looking you dead in the shades. Do or die, Strider.  
"Yes." No hesitation, deviation or connotation, here on Just A Minute. A sincerity that's absurdly out of place and you can feel her weighing you up. John's eyes go wide as he tries to figure out what level of irony you just slipped into there, and you have no intention of telling him it was the least ironic thing you've ever said.   
So anticlimatic. She shrugs and says, "Alright. I'll decapitate you if you're lying, you unlucky bastard."  
"Yeah, thanks, I appreciate that." You sigh and watch as John looks between the two of you, cheeks turning slightly red - or maybe it's just sunburn.  
He looks at you with something like comprehension and something like exasperation.  
"I need to tell you something," he says suddenly. "About me and Vriska, because we lied to you and now's probably the right time to reveal the truth, right?"  
Ohhh shit son, here's the big reveal. The kicker and the punchline saved up to knee you in the bollocks after you were about to stand up again to recover from the last beating. Ideas flit through your head.  
They're secretly married. They're in love. She's pregnant. They're moving to Monaco. You realise how ridiculous you're being but these are _all plausible ideas okay_.  
"Vriska has been my beard for... a very long time."  
What.  
She lets out an undignified snort, rolling her eyes. "Oh my god, John, why are we doing this."  
"No, shh. I have to tell him, he's my husband."  
Your heart flutters a little which is dumb, so dumb. "Yeah you heard the boy, tell me."  
"You know what a beard is, right?" She asks you. "A girl who agrees to date a boy to cover up the fact he's gay."  
"I'm not gay!" John says hotly. Vriska gives him the least accommodating look you've ever seen and he wilts a little. "Yeah okay I am. Like a little. But is that really so big of a deal?"  
"And you guys just lapped it up," she laughs, flicking her hair triumphantly. "The ballade of Vriska and John, the dream story, the tragic tale of the boy who couldn't get over his first true love." She makes a kissy face at John and he bats her away with a snort. "John likes guys but he only accepted that fact, like, a year ago. Because he's a colossal dumb butt idiot who was afraid of his real sexuality."  
John rolled his eyes. "It was a big thing, okay! Being gay. Because I was expected to be like this, or that, or get married to a nice girl and have kids, and Dad got really curious as to why I never brought a girl round. So beard ocurrage happened. Then it got out of hand."  
Your mouth is hanging open a little, so you close it.  
"I should have told you earlier," John says apologetically. "But I was kind of... I've been kind of astronomically stupid about this and doing things like, um, internalising my self identity? Or something, Rose used a lot of big words but what she basically meant was... I lied to everyone, myself especially, about. Well. Liking guys." He says the last part almost as a grudging whisper.  
Vriska snorts. "We never really kissed, or had sex, or broke each other's hearts. I mean, I love him, but there is no way in hell I would ever date him." She wrinkled her nose.  
It's a lot to take in, and you're having trouble with the processing time. John's gay. Error, does not compute, redo from start. Not possible. John? No.   
You're about to say something and interrupt your own incoherent thoughts when a hand grabs your shoulder and you whirl to punch them in the face from shock, before you realise it's Karkat holding about twenty clear plastic bags full of notes that even from here stink of weed.  
"I got it. We're finally fucking free."   
You push the previous discussion aside, forgotten, when he holds up the bags like they're the Holy Grail made monetary.


	9. remember what you told me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> final chapter... dear lord  
> ends are tied up, talks are had, gay sappy feelings are exchanged  
> you waited 9 chapters for gay sappy feelings and here they are

It takes about twenty minutes of hollering and hammering at the sturdy door that traps you before someone comes to check on you. It's classy tall guy with his slim cigarette, giving you all a withering look when he opens a slit in the door. What kind of fucking casino was this, that had secure rooms with eye slits in the door?  
He opens his mouth to speak but you cut him off, a move that he would probably have cut your throat for if it wasn't for the fact that the words were:  
"We have your money, all of it. All the money."  
Bags are waved as evidence, your own bagpack safely hidden in John's sylladex.  
His eyes widen, and he gets the bigger guy to escort you to the main room.

The group is bustled back to the room with the three other gangsters in it, Gamzee having been peeled out of his corner and the money hastily having been waved in their faces, weed bags and all. You make a motley crew, two newlywed nerds and a junkie, a kid with anger management issues and a girl with one arm, but you could never take these guys on, no matter how inspiration the speech you never made is. That's why you wave the money at them.  
Stabby guy - what was it, Spades? - grabs a bag and rips it open, watching the money spill out in papery flutters.  
That's the sound of freedom, boys, of notes rustling against themselves on a dirty woodchip table. And it does sound so good.  
John gives you a relieved smile, Karkat's shoulders laxly slump a little, Vriska punches the air and Gamzee... well. He just kind of grins, but that's nothing new. Spades slowly looks up at the group of you suspiciously.  
"Where the fuck did you get this money from?"  
Vriska pouts, huffing at having to give up her share of money with Gamzee's. "We robbed a casino."  
He just stares at her, then stares at the rest of you.  
"Like fuck you did."  
"Exactly like fuck. Like fuck in 1020dpi HD ready television, streamed straight from the abyss of fuck you it's true. They did it." Karkat points to Gamzee. "You realiase this kid's a son of the Makaras, right? I wouldn't put it past a Makara. Would you?"  
He looks contemplative, as smooth guy - Diamonds, right? - whispers something in his ear. "Alright. Whatever. Point is that's a fuck ton of money and we were probably only going to rough you up a bit, punch you around. Give you the one two."  
Diamonds nudges him.  
"And three and four. Probably a fuck ton of other numbers too. No fuck stop nudging me, can we still beat them up?"  
He shakes his head.  
"Damn. Fine. You skanks can skedaddle then, and don't bother phoning the police." He pulls out a gun and aims it lazily at Karkat's head, as if from habit, peering down the barrel. "A Midnight Crew grudge is not something you want on your head."  
Karkat gulps and glares at all of you. Nope, no police being called here, you reassure the intimidating men. Please don't shoot us.

Somehow, the notes get piled in front of the ringleader, and somehow they get counted quickly and roughly, and somehow it's enough.  
And somehow, you're being let free, and the fresh air is sweet, so sweet after the dank smell of old alcohol and dust and cigarettes and the old casino door slams shut behind you with a definite air of finality.  
And somehow, you're alive, and Karkat's alive, and somehow you wind up in an awkward bro hug that lasts about five minutes because he needs to hug it out and he's your bro, man: he went through trauma and he needs the emotional support.  
John starts pulling at your arm impatiently. "C'mon, I've found the keys to Casey. They were under that guy's hat on the desk, haha, worst hiding place ever. Yeah. So we can drive off. You guys sure are hugging it out. Yup. Hugs are great but we gotta go."  
Okay, now you're doing it to annoy him, and from the look Karkat gives you so is he.  
"Dave I'm your fucking husband so listen to me and stop hugging that other dude so we can go already!" he yells, and you turn to look at him, eyebrows shooting up. For once, you can't tell how serious he's being about this, instead of the other way round (okay he can probably read you like a book but you'd still like to pretend you hid the total seriousness with which you'd taken this).  
He looks just as surprised, before coughing and turning to the car in its side alleyway home. "I mean if you want to stay here in this dump, go ahead."  
"Nah," you say, letting Karkat go in a rather undignified manner that has him cursing you to the bowels of hell, "I'm good with leaving this place."  
And somehow you catch a glimpse of the old John, which makes you grin at nothing in particular, and you feel elated because was that jealousy? No, fuck no, don't be an idiot Dave. He's just anxious to get back to the hotel for sleep and food or something.  
A guy can dream.

Somehow, you manage to fit all five of you into John's dinky hatchback, which you managed to bagsy shotgun for so you didn't have to be rammed against a skinny toker or an angry ex-hostage. Somehow, he finds his way out of the dark streets without crashing or killing anyone, back to the wide bright now-familiar tourist areas of Vegas.  
Somehow, you catch his eye a couple of times in sideways glances, and you would smile wide if you weren't preoccupied with Tweedle Dumb, Tweedle Ego and Tweedle Snoop Dogg.  
There's a lot you want to say, but not right now. Not with an audience. So you settle with reaching out once, twice to grip his shoulder lightly and squeeze, as if to say "I'm here".  
Somehow, John drives you all back to Rose's hotel, radio turned up in triumph and ironically playing the worst radio station you could find - Katy Perry, anyone? - and windows wound down. You did it. You got Karkat, you found out where you were married, you solved the mystery, kids. Game over, go home.  
You pass a miserable looking Horuss in the lobby of the hotel, waiting for you guys. John gives him a sympathetic look, before heading over and patting him on the back once or twice. "I'll bet Jade will come down soon and thank you for the hard work." He perks up at that, settling into his chair a little more easily as you go upstairs.  
You knock on Rose's door to interrupt a discussion about whether or not to chase after you and John - Kanaya is settled in Rose's lap, and Jade is watching some dumb movie involving a shouty Chinese guy and finding Doug. They look up in surprise at the appearance of so many people, and Jade yells happily when she realises everyone is finally here, safe and sound.  
Somehow, you make it to a bed to collapse just as the tiredness hits you and you don't really join in with the incredulous, disbelieving rancour as the party swap anecdotes and piece together what happened. Vriska gets questioned a few times about the drugs, other people say things, you kind of tune it out in favour of lying there and letting yourself finally relax.  
"Horse boy's waiting for you, by the way," you say to Jade when she looks at you to check you're okay. She startles, before grinning and jumping up to go say thank you, excusing herself from the room. You sense a weird ass thing happening there, but you honestly don't care anymore.  
You, Dave Strider, have successfully hit the wall. Vriska and John are talking animatedly to Rose and Kanaya - who finally seem to have made it to couple status from what you can hear, _finally_ \- and Gamzee's chilling in the corner with Karkat, watching the film happily together.  
John sits at the end of the bed you lie on, hand resting on your lazily outstretched leg, and he turns round to give you a small, contented smile. You smile back despite yourself, and blame it on tiredness.  
That's all you remember, until you wake up again.

The room is darker and quieter - a glance at a nearby clock tells you it's about 5.30 pm, and the room is empty.  
Nice, guys, thanks for abandoning me, you think, groggily pulling yourself up from the clean bed. Much nicer than your own, back at the cheap hotel you woke up in this morning.  
Ugh, this morning. Seems so long ago now. You wonder, also, where John is.  
Softer, less harsh afternoon sunlight filters through the chiffon curtains, the tourist noises muffled through well insulated windows and you decide to take a shower while you feel this good, before the headache reemerges its ugly head.  
You get some time to think, some time to recover. Time to reassess the situation.  
John is still missing after you finish showering - using up all the free swanky hotel shampoo because that shit's awesome - and so is everyone else. It's quite frankly disconcerting.  
Your phone is now completely dead when you attempt to turn it on, but you figure everything important has already gone down by now, plus your charger is all at the other hotel - along with clean underwear, clean clothes, hairbrush...  
You stare at Rose's chest of drawers. It, if possible for a piece of furniture, stares back.  
Ah fuck it, you think.

You examine the plain purple panties in the mirror, torn between sniggering at the fact Rose owns huge granny pants, and being incredibly disappointed in yourself that you ended up wearing them. At least it's better than the lacy abominations earlier. You rifle through her closet to find the least girly jumper in there, which is the biggest exercise in futility you've ever undertaken, so you pick out the one with the least cutaways and frilly bits. No, scratch that, you pick the fucking girliest one you can find because fuck you this is Las Vegas, you're on a buzz and you can pull off pastel purple no problem.  
You wish your phone had charge so you could take a few nostalgic selfies, but you can't win 'em all. The sound of the room door unlocking catches you pulling an experimental pose, and it's an internal struggle between throwing the panties down and being caught naked, or just braving through it and turning it into an endurance battle, you and them.  
"Are you awake, Dave? The others are all doing some last minute shopping and I went to get lunch, did you want any because -" John stops when he sees you, hand on the door handle and jaw somewhere by his chest. He closes it, glancing behind him and shutting the door as he walks in.  
"Should I ask?"  
"As if I haven't seen you in more compromising positions before."  
"That's Rose's underwear, isn't it."  
"Maybe it is, maybe it isn't."  
He shakes his head, eyes flickering between you face and your junk, sitting on the nearby bed with a heavy squeak. You're still in a pose.  
"You sure have worn a fuckton of girly clothes while we've been here."  
"I'm rediscovering myself. Trying new things. You only live once, Egbert."  
"Don't you dare yolo me."  
You look him dead in the face and clearly intone every syllable. "Why. Oh. El. Oh."  
"I want a divorce."  
You pout, and he laughs, before patting the bed by him in a weirdly fatherly gesture. You make another face, before sitting beside him, feeling the bed sink and push your thighs together. The feeling is not new, but the horrible, heart catching hope is. You dislike it.  
He gives you a small, bashful smile. "Not really. I mean. Do you really want a divorce?"  
"Me?" You shrug. "How will I deprive the world of this succulent Strider steak rump? Ladies and gentlemen weep openly in the streets, wearing black for an international day of mourning-"  
He clamps a hand over your mouth. "I get it!" He laughs a little sadly. "I haven't really been honest with you though. I mean. I wouldn't mind not getting a divorce."  
"Me neither." Said it too quick. He grins. You just shrug.  
"Sooo." You break the quickly forming silence. "You and Rose must have had a pretty intense discussion if you changed your mind about coming out so easily."  
It's his turn to shrug, smile fading a little. "I'm not really coming out, when you guys are the only people I've told. About time, too, to be honest, but whatever. Yeah. It was very intense." He sighs a little. "She basically took all my fears, and reasons why I was different, and showed me why it was bullshit, and how I could potentially hurt someone unwittingly. Like, we talked about how I used to do this thing when I was around thirteen, where I'd keep an elastic band round my wrist and snap it every time I had gay thoughts." He cringes. "I was a dumb shit. It was me. But yeah. After like what is it, seven years of conditioning myself and erasing my uh, 'natural affinity to the Y chromosome', I had done some seriously bad stuff to who I was. As a person." He brightens up, stopping his long ramble. "But I got her back, because I'm basically the reason why her and Kanaya are finally together! I told her all about how Kanaya fell in love with her and hah, you should have seen her face-"  
You snap your fingers in his face. "Alright, sweet, they finally got it together. But we're talking about you right now."  
He looks at his hands. "Yeah. I guess."  
"Tell me about it."  
He groans. "There's really nothing to tell. Okay, maybe a little bit. Okay." You poke his elbow to get him to hurry up. "Alright jeez!"  
"Who was your first crush?"  
"... _Really?_ Are you five years old?" He examines his knuckles and pouts. "... Karkat."  
"Oh my shit." You try not to laugh, you really do. "Karkat. Boy oh boy."  
"What?"  
"Nothing."  
"If mine was so bad, who was yours?"  
You freeze, before deciding, hey, you're indefinitely married to the guy. "I don't have crushes. I whirl straight into hard up romance, 100% scoring on every conquest I attempt, period."  
He rolls his eyes and says "Dave, I said tell me who-" just as you say "You." His eyes go wide and he snorts derisively.  
Keep it cool, Strider. Slouched, casual position - casual dammit, more casual, that's not casual enough. You're sinking a little bit now, too casual. Okay, less casual, but keep it nonchalant. Yeah. Cool.  
"Hahaha, good one Dave, you really got me there."  
Your fists ball up, that's not casual, are you even paying attention here? Goddammit. "Goddammit."  
"You're being serious?" Inquisitive tone, disbelieving face. You counter it with a neutral "yeah." Real neutral. Switzerland neutral.  
Your hands don't get the message about being Switzerland, because they keep trembling like a fat man on a cobblestone road.  
John just stares at you. "You had a crush on me?"  
"Yes, okay, yes," oh god can someone please clamp a hand over your mouth the rambling has begun, "yes I did, slash do, slash shut up because it was a long time ago and it was dumb anyway-"  
"-You had a crush on me." He grins. "You had a crush on me! You fancied me! You so did, oh my god look at your face!"  
"Shut up about my face!"  
"Dave Strider had a crush on me! That's possibly the least 'cool' thing ever, Dave, you're never allowed to say you're cool again!"  
"Yeah I know it's not cool!" Why is he laughing at you? You don't mean to yell, but the fucker is sitting there with a shit eating grin like someone just told the world's worst joke. "I know it's probably the weirdest, creepiest thing, having a crush on your best friend from like forever - no scratch that, I had the deepest, creepiest, least cool infatuation with you, like I'm talking the full school girl here, legs kicking and squealing and obsessing over our conversations and _what is even so funny?!_ "  
He takes a few deep calming breaths. "Dave. I'm a dork!"  
You glare at him, but humour him. "Well duh."  
"And you're a dork too. But a hot dork!"  
What is he on. "I'm not a dork."  
"You are though! A huge dork, a massive dork, but a good looking, loyal, sexy dork who wins all the ladies and all of the gentlemen. All of them!" He looks at you like this is the most obvious thing in the world. "There is like, literally no one in our group who you haven't seduced at least a little. And they all fall for it! Even Rose and Kanaya, and one of them's your sister, and they're both lesbians! How do you even do that! You can pick anybody, _anybody_ you want. And when you have such a vast freedom of choice like that..." He does a vague gesture at himself, shrugging. "Why go for the dud option?"  
The... dud option?  
"Egbert." Too formal. "John." That was also too formal. Jesus, casual is fucking difficult to maintain. Deep breath. "I'm not that successful or cool. I can't hold down a steady relationship. I'm a huge, colossal tool who doesn't understand how to make friends or keep people after the one night stand and you do it so effortlessly, holding people close, putting them under the Egbert spell. You," you poke his chest, "support and encourage in your own way, and everyone here would do anything for you just because they want to. Because they like you, beyond more than a good lay or a romantic dinner out. Because they love you." You shrug. "I would know, I'm one of them. Point is, I get in their pants. You get into their hearts."  
"Dave." He shakes his head. "You're unbelievable. You are so sappy."  
"Shut up I'm not."  
"Everything you literally just said. That counts as sappy!"  
"Okay so what!"  
"So thank you." He grins and nudges you. "So you like me because I'm a great friendleader?"  
"I don't like you at all. I hate you. I want a divorce. I'm taking the kids with me."  
"Dave. We don't have any kids."  
"Yet." You waggle your eyebrows.  
"Maybe when we're older."  
Oh okay. You lock that away for later consideration. "But... do you really consider yourself the dud?"  
"Yeah." He says it simply, plainly, with no hint of bitterness or sadness. "I used to think I was the protagonist of the romance movie. I thought life was a movie. But then I grew up."  
You look down, before putting an arm round his shoulders. "Hey. You can still be the star. I'll be the sidekick who acts like comic relief, seeing as your sense of humour is lame enough anyway."  
"I guess that's Davetalk for you've got my back?"  
"Yeah. I'll always be here." You wave your ring finger in his face. "Plus it's official. I am bound by your side til death do us part"  
He giggles, the huge kid. "Yeah. It's so weird to think about, but hey. It's nice." He grabs your hand in his own and holds it, a move you'd only allow him. It never felt like this with Terezi, not really. You also allow him one **(1)** small, genuine smile.  
"Dave?" He tilts his head and examines your mouth with raised brows. "Are you...?"  
"Yeah. Shut up. It's not that weird. Get over it wow."  
He looks directly at you, through your shades. "Good. I like it. You should smile more."  
This is horribly touchy feely and sappy and gay and you love it. There are so many sickly sweet things you could reply with, but you'd rather bump his forehead with yours and sigh. "Can't let down the image if I'm such an apparent sex god or whatever."  
"What does it take to shut you up?" he exclaims.  
"Hmm, I can think of one way," and you lean forwards and you press your lips on his Dave what the fuck are you doing. But he doesn't pull away, and doesn't make a noise, and looks at you with content, curious eyes when you pull away and blush like you didn't know what you were doing.  
"It's still weird for me," he admits, "but that's because I can't believe this is reality. It hasn't sunk in yet." His grin could split his face in half like an egg.  
"Husbandbros." You hold out a fist. He bumps it. You've never been so happy.  
He has seen your eyes before, but the way he stares at your eyes when he pulls them down would make anyone think this is the first time. Well, it is, when it's coloured by the situation, by the undeniable way your heart is racing, but really, it's no different to any other time you spend with him.  
You really were deep in love with him, weren't you.

The rest of the afternoon is spent slotted together on the clean hotel bed, mapping each other's mouths out in a burst of novelty. It's only a step up from before, and now you know how he tastes you feel like you could savour the knowledge slowly, at your own pace. It's slow and sweet and you are nearly falling asleep right up to the moment where Karkat bursts in on you, swears profusely, and slams the door while freaking the fuck out. Poor kid. You fail to give a shit.  
Vriska pokes her head round the door, smirking widely. "Since it's our last night tonight... well, everyone _was_ going to go out for a celebratory meal, but if you two would rather... stay busy..."  
And so, you scramble out of bed, throwing things at her. Well, it's mainly John throwing things. You're content to retreat to the bathroom to brush your teeth, ignoring how red and bruised your lips are oh god that looks amazing.  
Here's to your last night in Las Vegas. The weirdest, greatest trip in your life. 

You raise a glass at the assembled group of your friends, and begin your toast.  
"Guys," you begin loudly, catching the attention of both your friends, and several other tables nearby. It's a quiet restaurant but you really don't care if you're being inappropriate. "Guys," you begin again, "we made it. We survived. Look at Karkat, he's pretty much the opposite of dead as compared to being left in a ditch by a drugs gang. Props to myself and everyone else involved in getting us out of that, jesus." Vriska whoops and a couple of people clap. "No, no, but for serious. This whole weekend has made me appreciate truly what being friends means." You pause for effect. "Getting each other as far up shit creek as possible before breaking the paddle for them. And yet I love you guys for it." You shrug, before putting a hand on John's shoulder beside you. "Turns out shit creek ain't so bad. For those of you who are running slow on the update, me and John here stepped up the brolationship a little so we're practically a couple. Getting married can do that to a person." He smiles bashfully, facepalming and muttering at you _"but what about taking it slow, dave i thought we were going to wait-"_  
"Anyways," you say, cutting him off. "You, each and every one of you, are invited to the actual wedding when we get back. I'd be truly honoured if y'all could come." There's a general whooping from the crowd, which makes you smile. Internally. "Congrats on Rose and Kanaya finally becoming curtains and pulling themselves together. John here claims full responsibility for that apparently, but my sources are biased." You give Rose a look that translates to _"you will tell me everything later or so help me oprah"_ and she merely raises an eyebrow in return.  
You heavy a heavy sigh before once more, finally, addressing your audience.  
"The moral of the story here is that no matter how much crazy shit happens, people are people. You can rely on some, and you gotta watch your back around others, but if you get married in Vegas, I couldn't pick a better man or a better audience. It's been a crazy, freaky weekend but as I believe it was the famous french prime minister Georges Clemenceau once said - 'Get up and shake the glitter off your clothes now,'" and here you carefully anunciate each word like a news reader, with a faint (awful) french accent, "'that's whát you get,'" and you survey the room, making eye contact with each person, "'for wakíng up in Vegás.'"  
You are 100% certain Clemenceau said that.  
The group - and a few waiters - break out into laughter and applause, and you sit down slightly smugly. John rolls his eyes at you and mouths "terrible" and you lightly punch him in the shoulder. Some other people make speeches for the hell of it, and you all get a little tipsy, but you're not dumb enough to get plastered again after all that shit. 

Later, on your walk back to the hotel, when the trashy lights look halfway dazzling and the night begins to draw in, he pulls out the green jacket from his sylladex and drapes it across your shoulders, brushing you off lightly.  
"So. Good trip or bad?"  
"Good," you reply. "Definitely good."  
"Mmm." He leans his head on your shoulder, and the lights of commercial trash never looked so bright. "What's this jacket made of? It feels like I'm putting my head on a notepad."  
"Random." You feel the material and yeah, it feels like there's paper in between the fabric panels. Lots of it. He pulls the jacket back off you and goes through the pockets, ignoring your disgruntled hum.  
"Yeah, there's... something here..." He pulls a thread and the inner lining starts pulling away, and a single 500 dollar note falls to the floor. You both stare at it before gathering your wits and quickly picking it up to examine it. Genuine. He shoves a hand in the hole he just created, and his eyes go wide.  
"I think we found the Felt's missing $40,000, Dave."  
Now, you stare at each other.  
The voice of the stabby guy floats through your head like a sharp reminder.  
 _"The fucking Felt shortchanged us anyway, low down shit heads... 40,000 dollars short..."_  
God. _Damn._

Later still, when you pluck up the courage to kiss him gently in your trashy hotel room with its stone age television and grimy bathroom, free from any kind of brass instrument and empty shot glasses, and he pushes you on the bed and you pull him down and he kisses you the slowest you've ever been kissed in your life-  
He pulls away suddenly, swears, hits himself in the face and says.  
"We forgot the fucking shopping carts." 

**== > END OF DVD.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys i have the events of the night in linear chronological format, as compared to the assbackwards jumble they're in now... would you be interested in seeing that to help clear up confusion?  
> also, i'm going to write a couple spin offs from this, specifically a rosekan scene because i fucking teased you with that ship it's the least you deserve, dear reader  
> i got emotional writing the last bits of this because i can't believe it's over  
> thank you and good night  
> (also i'm taking down the rating from mature because i didn't technically lie, things just... didn't pan out like that sorry sorry gomen)


End file.
